Finding my voice

Tonight in my studies I waltzed into the chapter concerning creative talents, and that ability to just let go into "The Zone" when indulging in whatever one tickles our fancy, whether it be dance, music, movies, whatever. As I read it, I couldn't help but think and compare my life in the Army to my spiritual life, or "Real Manda time". Sad as it may seem, most times I feel like I'm an entirely different person between these two situations. All my life I have been a writer, in fact I'm currently working on a novel with the same title as this blog, which is a self help novel geared towards teenagers recounting my experiences (at 22 they've been a bit excessive!!) I also enjoy journalism and lyrical fancies. I feel so empowered and complete when I write. I'll reread everything I write multiple times, sometimes I find myself shocked that I am the one that wrote it!! I LOVE that feeling. I keep a journal religiously (the only religious thing I've done in my entire life it seems), since I was about 9 years old, when it began with a Lisa Frank diary from my estranged grandmother. Often I reread my journal as a way to see if I have backtracked or moved forward from my past entries. The other night I partook in that activity and was incredibly disappointed in myself. Not due to a backtrack, but because in my entries I find myself so thoroughly convinced and stubborn on how I will or will not allow someone to treat me, or things to affect me, or ways I'm going to deal with a particular situation....and then I go to work and I lose all that confidence and determination. As a soldier we are taught to say "Roger, move out" and complain later to lower ranks if we feel the urge. You aren't supposed to talk back (wouldn't your parents have just loved that growing up??) or necessairly defend yourself, certainly not in the presence of other soldiers or NonCommissioned Officers. 4 years of this being instilled into my skull has resulted in me putting up with sexual harrassment, jeers, discrimination, and a variety of other vulgarities and straight up BS that I shouldn't have to tolerate in the workplace, or at all actually. Why do I lose my precious voice when I need it most? I'm not Ariel from the Little Mermaid who gets it physically taken from her in exchange for love. I have love. And I still have my voice. But I can't seem to utilize it. So as I go further into my studies, and I grasp even more confidence in who and what I am, I become a little bit more convinced that maybe I can find my voice when I need it most. Our voices are our most powerful weapon and greatest gift, used in our castings and blessings or chosen curse words, it would be an ultimate tragedy if I let mine (that can be worded oh so delicately ;-) ) to go to waste. Please Mother, help me find the courage to find my voice!!