Finding my voice

Tonight in my studies I waltzed into the chapter concerning creative talents, and that ability to just let go into "The Zone" when indulging in whatever one tickles our fancy, whether it be dance, music, movies, whatever. As I read it, I couldn't help but think and compare my life in the Army to my spiritual life, or "Real Manda time". Sad as it may seem, most times I feel like I'm an entirely different person between these two situations. All my life I have been a writer, in fact I'm currently working on a novel with the same title as this blog, which is a self help novel geared towards teenagers recounting my experiences (at 22 they've been a bit excessive!!) I also enjoy journalism and lyrical fancies. I feel so empowered and complete when I write. I'll reread everything I write multiple times, sometimes I find myself shocked that I am the one that wrote it!! I LOVE that feeling. I keep a journal religiously (the only religious thing I've done in my entire life it seems), since I was about 9 years old, when it began with a Lisa Frank diary from my estranged grandmother. Often I reread my journal as a way to see if I have backtracked or moved forward from my past entries. The other night I partook in that activity and was incredibly disappointed in myself. Not due to a backtrack, but because in my entries I find myself so thoroughly convinced and stubborn on how I will or will not allow someone to treat me, or things to affect me, or ways I'm going to deal with a particular situation....and then I go to work and I lose all that confidence and determination. As a soldier we are taught to say "Roger, move out" and complain later to lower ranks if we feel the urge. You aren't supposed to talk back (wouldn't your parents have just loved that growing up??) or necessairly defend yourself, certainly not in the presence of other soldiers or NonCommissioned Officers. 4 years of this being instilled into my skull has resulted in me putting up with sexual harrassment, jeers, discrimination, and a variety of other vulgarities and straight up BS that I shouldn't have to tolerate in the workplace, or at all actually. Why do I lose my precious voice when I need it most? I'm not Ariel from the Little Mermaid who gets it physically taken from her in exchange for love. I have love. And I still have my voice. But I can't seem to utilize it. So as I go further into my studies, and I grasp even more confidence in who and what I am, I become a little bit more convinced that maybe I can find my voice when I need it most. Our voices are our most powerful weapon and greatest gift, used in our castings and blessings or chosen curse words, it would be an ultimate tragedy if I let mine (that can be worded oh so delicately ;-) ) to go to waste. Please Mother, help me find the courage to find my voice!!

Mabon

Today is my first Mabon, and the start of my absolute favorite season. Autumn. There's just some peace I've always gotten around this time of year...maybe its the beautiful colors surrounding us or those yummy earthy smells associated with it, but I have always looked forward to fall. I've even decided to get married in November thats how much I love it! I think its appropriate for me to appreciate this particular holiday so much due to its Welsh lore. I've always been very big on my Welsh and Irish background, so it seems pretty fitting that my first two holidays as a pagan (Lammas and Mabon) derive from those two heritages. :) I'm not quite sure what to do for celebrating tonight, or how to do it, but I'm going to do the best I can! Thinking tonight I'll indulge in some of the sweeter nectars in life, get some incense on (can't go wrong with sandalwood!) and take some time to pray, something I've been severely slacking on lately. Luckily its Friday night and the first weekend since the repeal of DADT for the military, so the nightlife is going to be rowdy and enticing....less people I have to deal with here at the barracks! Seeing as how Mabon is the Witch's Thanksgiving, I'd like to take a quick moment to give thanks for the last few months, as I feel like I started anew with this journey, like a part of me was opened and suddenly I became whole. So to begin with, I give thanks for that. For allowing my eyes to be cleared and my heart, body and soul to be opened to this bright and fantasizing new world. I give thatnks for my two wonderful mentors Cathy, who is like a grandmother to me, and my big sister Emma, who started me on my journey. Without you two in my life I would be so terribly lost and I love you more than I could ever form in words. I give thanks for the great frends and family I have, and thanks for the clarity lately to see who those really are and to wean out those who weren't. Truly my life has become much more enriched by surrounding myself with genuine people I care about and who care about me. I give thanks for a career in a time when they are growing few and far between, even if it does challenge my sanity on a regular basis! Finally I give thanks for my loving partner with whom this journey is starting to take an interesting twist. Scott has never been a religious or spiritual kind of guy, but after seeing me on my journey he has started asking some questions (something we didn't before incorporate into our relationship) and we have started to grow even closer together. The Goddess has big plans with me and this guy, seeing as how he is constantly a figure in my life, and I'm starting to think maybe this is the direction she's going for. Guess we shall see! I hope each and every one has a great time tonight, whether they be solo like me or in the company of a circle. Happy Mabon and blessings be!

Coming into my own

Very first blog so please bear with me folks!! I guess a little about me is appropriate. I'm currently serving as a Military Police officer with the Army over in Korea, 18 more months and then I'm a free woman again, when I plan on attending Univ of Iowa and finishing off my journalism/kinesiology degrees :) As my mom calls me, I'm a bit of a "redneck hippie", having grown up in NorCal it happens haha. My older sister is the one who introduced the study of the goddess to me while I was home on leave. I have always had faith, but certain things just never jived right with Christianity, especially my belief that all religions were of the same thing...apparently that's heresy nowadays. So I asked my sis to tell me about her faith....three hours later I was in love. The last couple months since I discovered paganism have been both reviving and trying in their own entities. I've learned immediately to keep my faith to myself, as judgement is far too swift and the effort to convert me is ridiculous! I'm hoping I wasn't near that obnoxious when I was a Christian! Holy good madness!! As I said, this process has been so reviving for me. I feel like a part of my soul has been found! Nothing better than reading up on something and getting that "oh hey!" click in the brain! A little more than frustrated that I can't meditate or cast since I arrived in Korea. I don't feel comfortable at all doing it in my room where people haven't heard of the term KNOCKING (our doors dont lock) and outside where everyone walks past and has their own comment or two to contribute. So, maybe some of you have a suggestion or two of ways around this?! Would really appreciate it right about now!! So I guess this is just me saying hey y'all and getting integrated into this wonderful wonderful world :))